MAGNA EST VERITAS ET PRAEVALEBIT

The investigator for the MBCE had read through the police reports of my ex-wife's interview, as well as my own. However, I do not believe the investigator read through the actual transcripts for the interviews, or he would have realized that Officer Eric Norsten had made numerous glaring errors in his report, such as claiming I had admitted to things which I had not; ignoring important bits of information; and, misrepresenting events to conform to his assumptions & misconceptions. Rather than rely upon the facts to form his opinion, the officer selected the ones he liked and used them as a drunk uses a lamppost - for support rather than illumination.

This triplicate filter of nastiness & bias against me - the blatant lies, flipped narrative, & selective presentation of half-truths from my ex, processed through the limited black-and-white, rigid, & prejudiced thinking of a small-town cop, then transcribed into whatever would reflect most negatively upon me by a prosecutor whose agenda was to make me appear as guilty as possible - resulted in a catch-22 for me. If I did not explain myself (which was the tactic my lawyers used at the hearing, to say that these events occurred outside of my clinical practice, and were therefore outside of the board's authority to regulate), then no alternative narrative to explain them was available, and so the easiest assumption to make - that my behavior was motivated by mental health issues and substance abuse - was the the only one to fall back upon. If I did attempt to explain myself, then I was viewed as making excuses and trying to blame others for my choices. "Victim-blaming" is not something that happens only to women.

It took me years of returning to that place of shame & darkness, revisiting the emotional pain buried deep in my shadow, to be able to acclimate myself to those feelings of guilt and self-loathing, to let go of the judgment I had surrounding them, to learn to extend compassion to myself & allow myself to understand rather than judge the decisions I made. Only once I did that was I able to begin to discuss them openly. But when I did, I soon found that no one would listen to me - because of the labels that had already been stamped upon me by the board's rulings, and legitimized by the affirmation of the appellate court when my appeal was unsuccessful (the flaws in the appellate court's decision will be discussed in detail later in this narrative).

I was left with two choices, both equally abhorrent: 

I could remain silent, and endure the unjust, inaccurate, & undeserved stain upon my reputation, the permanent loss of my professional opportunities, & the personal anguish of my dreams being forever out of my reach. 

Or, I could fight: I could stand in the light, speak my truth, and expose my heart, my soul, my deepest shame, to the entire world, and accept the inevitable criticisms & condemnation of those who would not understand, who did not have compassion for nor had made peace with their own personal flaws & shadow aspects of their personalities, and so would project them upon me and make themselves feel better by condemning in others what they could not confront within themselves.

What made my decision was this: the injustice that happened to me was terrible. But if I share my story, regardless of what happens with me, my choice to be vulnerable might help to free others from their shame. I am not special or amazing or unique, any more than any other human on this planet. But I can tell a story no one else can tell, I have a perspective and a voice than no one else has or ever will have - just like each and every one of us. I can either let that story fade away into obscurity, in shame and in fear, or I can use my voice and my perspective to create opportunities for positive changes in the lives of others. I cannot force those changes to occur - only you can change your life - but I can share my story, and you can take from it what you will.

The MBCE brought up my visit to a strip club, my association with a drug dealer, and video recordings of a sexual nature which had been made in the privacy of my own home. It was these allegations which were the most shameful, embarrassing, and difficult for me to address. For on the surface, they seem repugnant & morally reprehensible. Hearing them instantly predisposes the reader to form certain assumptions - none of them positive. Never in a million years did I expect any of these aspects of my personal life to be revealed to anyone but the woman I had chosen to be my partner for life; certainly, I never expected them to be revealed to anyone BY the woman I had chosen to be my partner for life, twisted & manipulated to portray me in the worst possible light.

The only way I can explain & address these allegations is by explaining the truth about the history that led up to them. This requires that I disclose not only personal information about my own life, but also the lives of others. However, I want to make it clear that, in doing so, I am motivated not by revenge, but by necessity. Had these individuals respected my own privacy, or at the very least disclosed the truth accurately, there would be no need for me to set the record straight and expose their own private lives in the process. I am not saying they deserve it - I am merely stating the fact that it is impossible for me to do right by them without betraying myself, and it is impossible for me to do right by myself without betraying them. Given the choice, I believe we must always stay true to ourselves, and since the board ruling is publicly available on the Internet to anyone who wishes to read it, I must do the same with my response.

For years, I searched for another way. However, I lack the funds to hire a lawyer, and none of the numerous lawyers that I talked to felt I had much chance of successfully challenging the ruling anyway, since the appeal was unsuccessful and the deadline for appealing again has passed. No one seemed to care that the case against me was built upon lies & false assumptions. I contacted the Sauk Rapids City Council, hoping they would recognize that the Sauk Rapids police had exhibited a substantial gender bias and repeatedly failed to follow the basic standards of procedural justice and the protocols for handling domestic disputes as laid out by the IACP (the International Association of the Chiefs of Police), and that Officer Eric Norsten of the Sauk Rapids Police Department had conducted the interviews in a biased fashion and lied under oath & committed perjury, and that I had never been given me a fair chance to explain the truth - during their visits, my wife would repeatedly make false accusations & provide inaccurate information, and the officers had more important matters to attend to than trying to sort out the truth behind what they saw as a domestic squabble. Unfortunately, the city of Sauk Rapids had recently hired a local law firm, Rinke & Noonan, to handle their legal matters, and the response I received from Ashley Bukowski at their firm was insensitive to the damage that had been caused to my reputation, my career, my earning potential, my mental health, and my family.

Police often have to make snap judgements based upon limited information; I can understand that mistakes are sometimes made, and forgive them. However, I cannot abide by the decision of the Sauk Rapids City Council not to acknowledge & make amends for the mistakes that were made. The snap judgements led to inaccurate conclusions being drawn, and my career & reputation were ruined based upon those inaccurate conclusions. Once the allegations were made, then all that mattered was whether or not they were true, and saying, "Yes, but..." is the same as saying "yes" to someone who does not have the patience for or the interest in listening. My attempts to set the record straight were seen as me making excuses, and my commitment to honesty only ever worked against me: everything negative I admitted to was used against me, while everything I said in my defense was ignored.

I discovered my wife having an affair in the spring of 2008 which had begun around Christmas of 2007. The revelation devastated me, and in my desperation to keep my family together and avoid experiencing that pain ever again, I allowed my wife to convince me to open our marriage - for her. I had no desire to be with another woman, but she preyed upon my insecurities & my desire to make her happy. In my interview with Officer Eric Norsten, when he began asking me inappropriate questions about my sex life, I told him truthfully that the first time I watched my wife with another man, it made me sick to my stomach, and how, towards the end of our marriage, I was begging for it to stop. I never encouraged or pressured my wife into doing anything with anyone - she always initiated things, with men she chose. I almost never felt comfortable enough to be involved, so I hid my feelings of inadequacy & shame behind a camera. I had agreed to sacrifice one of my core values - faithfulness - for the sake of her happiness, and having my sacrifice twisted around and presented as if I were pushing my wife into having sex with other men to fulfill my own sick personal fetish was insulting, unconscionable, and traumatizing beyond words. Throughout our marriage, I always emphasized two things to her: that I never wanted her to feel pressured to do anything she did not want to do, and that if she ever had sex with another man without my knowledge or consent, it would be grounds for divorce. 

In July of 2017, the second of those two things happened. When it happened, however, I found myself hesitating: could I really tear apart our family over an injury to my pride? I decided that over the next 30 days, I would write down how I felt at the end of each day, either in favor of or against getting a divorce. After three weeks, I looked at the tally thus far, and realized that even if the remainder of the days were against getting divorced, there result would still be in favor of it. When I attempted to discuss this with my wife, however, she did not seem to care.

At the time, I was isolated by years of her jealousy driving away my female friends, and her propositioning all my male friends due to her constant need for validation. My mother was suffering from dementia after repeated brain surgeries, and my father & I had gone through a falling out which led me to quit working at his clinic. I had no one to reach out to for support, and was discouraged from utilizing mental health services due to state licensing laws, which deny doctors the right to confidentiality and allowed the board to deny licensure to doctors receiving mental health services, in violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act, even if there is no evidence of any lapses in patient care or safety (the stigma against mental health remains disturbingly strong, even in the healthcare field among professionals who really should know better; this is something I write about in detail here: https://ajoshuaw.medium.com/physician-go-f-ck-thyself-155f6139f1ca).

I had friends in the past who worked as bouncers, deejays, or dancers at a strip club, and had always seen them as humans, just like the rest of us: I did not judge or condemn them based upon some self-righteous pretense of superiority. For weeks, I had been dealing with the worst pain imaginable, facing the end of my marriage and the breaking-apart of my family, while my wife drank, danced, and denied me any affection or apology. I went to the strip club not for sexual gratification - indeed, sex was the last thing on my mind at that point in time - but to feel comforted, to talk to someone, and to have a safe place where I could express my sadness & my grief. 

While at the club, I heard a voice with a Texas accent, and having lived in Dallas for 9 years and personally experienced the kindness of southern hospitality, I did not hesitate to strike up a conversation with its owner. We talked extensively outside the club as he took shots from a flask, until I decided it was time for me to leave. The Texan, however, was quite drunk, and not wanting to see him harm himself or others, I offered him a ride home. He accepted, getting in the car with me, then confessed he had recently been kicked out of his uncle's house, claiming he had caught his uncle stealing from him and had been kicked out for confronting him about it. 

We had a spare bedroom, and he had been the handyman for an apartment complex in Houston: we worked out a deal, allowing him to stay with us in exchange for performing some minor house repairs, under the conditions that he stay clean & sober, obtain steady employment, and save up for a place of his own. He presented himself as a down-on-his-luck Christian who had returned to the town where he grew up for his mother's funeral. We were aware of his past, but I had compassion for the difficulty felons face when trying to find housing & employment. I have always believed that people come into our lives for a reason, and I have always done my best to be courteous, helpful, generous, & kind to the people who have come into mine. I am slow to judge and quick to give people the benefit of the doubt, and if someone took advantage of my good nature one too many times, I would consider the price worth the cost of weeding out a false friend, and let them go from my life without harboring any ill will towards them or seeking any sort of retribution or vengeance.

At first, our new houseguest was friendly & helpful, and followed the rules we had set, but around the end of September, I discovered my wife & him doing drugs behind my back. I served him a notice of eviction and gave him two weeks to move out. Over those two weeks, my wife begged me to give him another chance and to let him stay. Finally, I relented, and for a few weekends, I am ashamed to admit that I joined in with using drugs with them. The pain of being excluded from their secret fun was immense, and played a large role in my decision. 

It was not a decision I made lightly. I had heard that the medication prescribed to children for ADHD was similar in nature to this controlled substance, although the information I found on websites run by pharma-controlled America were heavy with fear-mongering & propaganda, without much in the way of science or research. On the European Drug Registry, however, I found research stating that, under uncontrolled conditions, the effects of the two drugs were virtually indistinguishable. I researched the vitamin deficiencies & potential dangers caused by its use, and stocked up on supplements & vitamins to counteract those effects. I set limits on the quantity & timing of my use, to ensure I would be well-rested and clear-headed in the clinic on Monday morning. My wife promised me it would be fun, it would help her to cut back on her drinking, and that no one would ever know.

However, almost immediately, there were problems. While I was 90 minutes away, hosting a seminar in the Twin Cities, my son called me to tell me that it was midnight and their mother was not at home with them. She refused to answer my calls & texts, sending me a short video to show that she was alright, but I could tell she had been drinking and using drugs, and she was scheduled to work the next morning. Using the metadata from the video, I was able to determine her location, and I drove home to pick her up and bring her home safely. The next day, I stayed at home to take care of our sons until she woke up and had sobered up enough to go & reclaim her vehicle. 

We had another long conversation in which I expressed my disappointment & emphasized that our family & our responsibilities needed to come first, and that using drugs & alcohol in an unsafe manner  was placing both our jobs at risk. I loved my wife - I granted her privileges with other men not for my own sexual gratification, but because I could empathize with her childhood wounds & understand her compulsive need for validation. My mistake was in believing that over time, with enough patience & understanding, she would begin to realize how much I loved her, and her insecurities would fade. But giving the ego what it wants only makes it hungrier for more, and as she focused more & more upon her new paramour, my own childhood wounds of never being good enough & feeling inadequate in matters of romance & sex were triggered. Rather than acknowledge how her own behavior was creating distance between us, she retreated from me even further, and began spending even more time with our houseguest behind my back.

My grandmother passed away in early November, and her death caused me to re-evaluate what I was doing. I flushed the last of the drugs down the toilet and insisted they no longer be allowed in the house. Unbelievably to me, my wife began accusing me of being controlling and abusive, and siding with our tenant against me. This infuriated me to no end, and when I caught them sneaking around together & lying to me about it, and found out he was still providing her with drugs, I had had enough. I gave him money for a hotel room and told him to come back tomorrow with a truck to pick up his belongings from the curb.

When my wife heard that I was kicking him out, she gathered up her things and prepared to leave with him. My sons & I were shocked beyond words; I sat there, holding them in my arms as they cried, watching her prepare to leave her 16-year marriage and our three sons for a man she had known only a few months. Eventually, she set her bags down and chose to stay, but the damage had been done, and despite my best efforts, our marriage would never recover.

More of my writings are available at ajoshuaw.medium.com. I am currently in the process of editing & adding the final chapters to My Story in preparation for general publication; for those who are interested, you may request early access by providing your email address below (your info will never be shared with anyone or used to try to sell you anything).